blood feud with myself

Abdallah Khamisi, an opposition supporter, sits covered in blood after he was smashed with sticks and rifle butts by soldiers, one of them running in the background, in Stone Town, Tanzania October 30, 2005. Zanzibari troops beat opposition supporters and fired a live bullet and tear gas on Sunday during an election on the Tanzanian islands marred by clashes and fraud allegations almost as soon as polls opened. Violence intensified in the afternoon, as troops and opposition backers fought more and more in the streets of historic Stone Town.

Caitlin: Don't buy a car without driving it and checking out its history online first. People who buy cars sight unseen do crazy amounts of legwork in advance that you don't have the resources to do. If you buy a car without driving it you will regret it, guaranteed.

I gave blood today and it transpired as if according to script. A script I know far too well. I knew all the characters and lines in advance and yet I couldn't prevent anything from happening. I feel fine before and during the process. But right when it's over my mind quickly starts to recede; I can feel myself drawing away, my extremities tingle and I tell someone I feel dizzy. I keep thinking I won't black out, even when I can't see anything anymore and I lose hearing.

The return process is always slower. I gradually become aware of people saying my name and asking me to do things I cannot understand yet. It's all very confusing and wet as I regain control of reason and then try to recreate my now disjointed sense of self. White. Stucco. What am I looking at? A ceiling. Where am I? I feel fine. Wait, now I do, I didn't a second ago. Now I feel even finer. Why do I have dripping paper towels on me? I passed out. Ok, hold my arm straight up with this gauze in place. Pretend I feel normal and not act like my mind was just blown.

The funny thing is that I always think: this will be the time I don't pass out. It never is. Sometimes, when I'm with someone I know, I will mention beforehand to the attendant that I have a history of passing out. But then they start to make jokes at my expense while giving me "special treatment." Like I'm just a complainer. I understand that there must be people who enter into situations eager for the attention that comes with medical care but I am not such a one.

So I vary my routine each time before I donate to see if doing something differently might help. Eating more or less, eating sooner or later, riding my bike or getting a ride, etc. So far I've passed out at least once under each set of options, so I'm starting to think it's just me.