The Incredibles

I had to work tonight. Colin and Michelle (from MILO) stopped by to pick up tickets for The Incredibles for the midnight showing. I decided to join them after work and I'm glad I did. Strangely, even though I work at a theater, I don't have much interest in the movies that come there. Meaning, something has to be formidible to get my recommendation, which this does. I may even see it again, which I rarely do.

I got really sad after I left, though. I was riding my bike home and found myself thinking about Laura (big surprise, right?). The past month I have been down because she left me really abruptly, without a fight, without a conversation, without much notice. I've focused on certain things since then. Stupid things like hating myself for being a bad person/failure, or what I did wrong (even though she did say there wasn't anything I could have done differently). I haven't been mad but despairing over the ruins of what I have left, if that makes any sense. And tonight coming home I began to recall time Laura and I had together; not some idealized version without flaws, but the real thing. I don't want to list 1,000 instances of things we did together, for each other that made me happy. When she came over today she didn't want to look at me, and had to leave. I am upset with myself, not Laura.

I want to say that I am not OK. I am depressed and I can't seem to find a way out. I'm not stupid yet this situation does not yield to reason. I feel wholly inadequate, alone, disengaged, rudderless. Things that used to satisfy me fail to now. I can't pry this weight off my chest. I'm going to sleep before I become melodrama incarnate.