6 months ago

I'm not sure exactly, but I think Laura left about six months ago around now, give or take a few days. Dates have never been very important to me because they feel so artifical and contrived; what the hell is a month? It seems so archaic and English, almost like an ounce or a foot. But around the time it happened, I had a distant (but reasonable) date of six months in the back of my mind for how long before I could imagine I'd be OK again.

In some senses, I feel exactly the same. There are small parts of me that have never been accessible to anyone and I don't think those patterns/feelings changed six months ago or now. On practically every other level, though, I feel like a different person. I had a lot of problems with myself that I was refusing to address or acknowledge and having Laura around enabled me to focus on something other than myself. Her leaving allowed me to begin working to fix some of those problems. Off the top of my head: I don't hate myself anymore, I've tried to stop avoiding responsibility, and am more constructive with my mistakes.

So, am I OK? Well, of course I am in the cosmic, literal sense. I feel significantly different about the world. Despite regretting the means by which which my self-examination happened, I am relieved that it has. I no longer have expectations of myself and especially not of anyone else. I am happy with what I have and grateful for what is. Does that make me OK? I hope so.